The Creaky Knee

err...

2012-02-08T09:23:00.001Z

I'm not sure the text on this competition entry button is quite appropriate, somehow. I was a little afraid to click it...

Overheard today

2012-02-03T22:50:00.001Z

I love catching bits of others' conversations -

"Oh my god that's thick...no way...it would be more impressive if you were able to spring upon the earth, with no ancestors."

"I'm not really a fan of chewing gum...you can't swallow it and that upsets me."

Man: "You're out of breath."
Woman: "I HAVE A CHEST INFECTION!"
Man: "And you're massively unfit."
*slap*

Jobs anyone?

2012-02-03T11:09:00.002Z

I love receiving emails from my university's job shop. E.g. -

Alfred Dunhill Ltd requires two people to work as part of a "Smoker's Pipe Production" team.

An individual is required to promote a Canterbury city centre vegetarian restaurant in costume.

Although I am actually going to this one tomorrow:

We have an amazing opportunity to be an extra for the Les Miserables Feature Film being filmed in Chatham.

Excited!

Highs & lows

2012-02-02T10:21:00.002Z

I have the theme tune from Antiques Roadshow stuck in my head :/ But on a more positive note, I have discovered that I have a new favourite nut: the macadamia has replaced the pistachio as my nut of choice. They are amazing!

I received a flyer recently for the Death Festival...check out these highlights:

Assisted Dying - The human rights debate

Everything you ever wanted to know about funerals (but were afraid to ask)

Through the Eyes of a Child - what adults can learn from children about death

A coffin exhibition

Wow, cheerful stuff :S

Helpful.

2012-01-30T15:03:00.000Z

I have been trying to register with a new GP now that I have moved. Like most things, it is not proving to be a simple task.

I just clicked the Contact Us link to see:

Address:
The Sample Surgery
Sampleasite Walk
Sample Hill
North Sample
SM1 2PL

Brilliant.

Why I love grammar

2012-01-28T22:24:00.003Z

I think I am back!

2012-01-26T19:10:00.001Z

We have a pub near our office called The Horniman. I am taking great delight in pronouncing it The Horny Man :)

Quote of the day -
Director, during a meeting: "You can't bullshit in a hot tub"

Pun fail

2012-01-12T07:11:00.001Z

So anyone with half a brain can see what they tried to do. Clearly it's meant to say The Cod Father, because oh ha ha it's a fish & chip shop. But actually the C looks like a G, and unless you know what's there, at first glance it's just a shop called The God Father.

Oh well, they tried.

Don't understand

2011-12-20T07:35:00.003Z

You think it's a box, but it isn't??

They do pick them

2011-12-20T07:35:00.001Z

This morning on BBC breakfast they interviewed an elderly couple at Heathrow airport -

Interviewer: "What are your tips for getting through a long flight?"
Lady: "I do lots of crosswords"
Interviewer (to husband): "and do you help?"
Man: "No I'm a numpty"

Love it!

Weirdos

2011-12-18T19:18:00.002Z

This worries me:

"Single bedroom £50/week + £50 deposit - flat

rent is cheap because i need a homekeeper. woman only.i am a male there is only one bedroom . but we can sort out sleeping arrangements main thing is cleanliness of home and security."

Sickening: http://www.kerryhowley.co.uk/

Quote of the day -

Kate: "I love Groundhog Day - I've seen it so many times."

Me: "That's ironic."

Kate: "What?"

Festivities

2011-12-18T17:53:00.002Z

We improvised at work with our Christmas tree :) I think we did pretty well...

New breed

2011-11-26T17:21:00.004Z

I think Movember is creating a lot of paedos.

You know how a sphinx is part lion, part human? I think South Eastern's babies are part infant, part steaming coffee-cup...

How does this happen?

2011-11-25T22:49:00.001Z

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-derbyshire-15842559

Really??

2011-11-13T19:06:00.001Z

Warning

2011-11-04T18:54:00.001Z

I find it concerning that I work for accountants but don't know the difference between net and gross!

Quote of the day -
Me: "I like Gok"
Tasha: "Be careful how you say that"

Hehe this was in our hotel room the other day. I was expecting there to be a sign in the bathroom saying "Please note: if taps are turned on, water may come out"

Each to their own

2011-10-26T19:09:00.001+01:00

Just had to change trains as my train that was supposed to split at Ashford got stuck together haha! On my new train I heard a guy explaining this to who I presume is his wife on the phone. His parting line was "Put a pan of water on to boil and I'll be home soon!" - Intrigued!!

Sore

2011-10-26T18:40:00.001+01:00

I pulled a muscle carrying a pumpkin to work this morning :/

Tourettes

2011-10-21T18:44:00.001+01:00

I'm sooo tired and keep nodding off to sleep in the train. The problem is, it's the kind of sleep that is accompanied by twitches. I just did a massive arm spasm thing and very nearly smacked the guy next to me!

Perhaps I'd better try and stay awake...

Now listening to a guy explaining to his landlord on the phone that he set the microwave on fire last night!

Quote of the day -
(Male) work colleague: "Has anyone been watching the Steps documentary?"

Monsters

2011-10-20T19:14:00.001+01:00

1). Monster slipper: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper

2). Monster cookie:

Observant

2011-10-18T21:02:00.004+01:00

Spot the odd one out!!

I have received an email informing me that I've won a free sachet of yeast. WTF?!

I swear I have visual perception issues. I have been trying to work out why, on my packet of cereal bars, there's a man and a woman holding a walrus in the air.

It only occurred to me today that it's actually a blanket...

Public transport

2011-10-11T20:38:00.001+01:00

Trains are stressful.

Yesterday: loudspeaker announcement - " this is a passenger announcement. If there are any off-duty police officers or members of the British Transport Police on board the train, please could you make your way immediately to carriage C".

Today: there's a guy sitting across the aisle from me who was laughing maniacally and stroking his train ticket, but he's now switched to repeating "this is stupid" over and over.

I am scared :o/

Mushroom

2011-10-06T21:43:00.001+01:00

Second identity??

2011-10-06T18:25:00.001+01:00

Just been to the Kazakh embassy, to submit a visa application for a director at our company. I handed over the paperwork, along with a photograph, and the guy asked whether it was for me!! I'd like to think I don't look like a middle-aged man :/ Well, not yet anyway.

Driving skills

2011-10-05T07:20:00.001+01:00

Had an offer emailed to me yesterday for "skin revitalising snake serum"...think I'll pass :/

On Monday evening I stopped at a green traffic light...something I'm ashamed to say has happened in the past, although I must point out that this doesn't happen very frequently. The difference this time was that I had a police car right behind me! Thankfully they didn't get out, but I really must stop this!

Quote of the day -
Tim: "I really hurt my neck earlier"
Me: "How did you do that?"
Tim: "Well I was on the toilet this morning and -"
Me: "Ok that's enough"

The Mammoth Book of -

2011-09-27T18:17:00.001+01:00

There are people at work employed JUST to open doors for staff entering and leaving the building, it makes me feel so important! (& lazy).

I'm currently reading "The Mammoth Book of Murder and Science" (it's a cheerful read). Listed in the front are other titles in the series. Tim was intrigued by The Mammoth Book of Lesbian Erotica while The Mammoth Book of Cats and The Mammoth Book of Oddballs and Eccentrics took my fancy. Now among other bizarre titles is The Mammoth Book of The World's Greatest Chess Games. Really? They've written a 500 page book about people's chess moves? The thing that concerns me is that I know there will be several folk out there who have brought the book, read it and no doubt tried out the moves for themselves.

Snobbery

2011-09-23T13:36:00.002+01:00

Is it weird that I can still remember the name of the man who served me in the shop at the Millennium Dome when I visited 11 years ago?

I had an email to inform me that Ed's Diner are now selling t shirts. Apparently if you wear one to a restaurant you get 10% off your bill. I think that's a bit measly given the public humiliation involved.

Speaking of t shirts - heard in the office recently in relation to a team-building day: "It says they're providing us with t shirts. I don't WEAR t shirts, do I really have to?" Apparently they went go-karting which probably didn't do down well either.

Quote of the day -
Underground train loudspeaker: "The man who's boarding the train - GET OFF NOW! I said GET OFF or I'm having you arrested"

Scum

2011-09-20T19:10:00.001+01:00

I am clearly working class. Heard in the office lately:

"If I have a meal in a shit restaurant, like Pizza Express..." - Pizza Express is actually posh to me!

"Huddersfield...that doesn't sound like a place that would have nice hotels...well I'm not staying in anything that's less than £75 a night; I'm not staying in a hole again."

Quote of the day -
Colleague: "And here are the showers, in case you'd like to cycle or run to work"
- you what??

Still alive

2011-09-15T18:58:00.001+01:00

I feel sad that I haven't blogged for so long :( Too much London. But I have discovered an app for my phone so I should be back now :)

Just had my first sushi experience. I have known about vegetarian sushi for a while now, but have continued to be wary of it as I don't fully understand it. However I decided that today should be the day I overcome my fears. It comes with some mysterious things in sachets and a bottle of fish juice, all of which I was a bit scared to try in case they were poison. And one of the things (sushis?) had something spongy strapped to it which I wasn't sure whether to eat or wipe my face with, but it turned out to be innocent egg (phew). Overall it was a very positive experience and I will definitely have it again. Onwards and upwards to a conveyor belt sushi bar methinks.

When I type my name in this phone it thinks I'm writing ubersexual :/

Cake fail

2011-09-01T21:21:00.002+01:00

I bought a giant cupcake mould (with the intention of using it for our wedding cake) and this evening I thought I'd test it out. The recipe book that came with it wasn't very helpful as it told me to fill it with packets of cake mix, but Tim's mum found a recipe for me and said I could use that instead. When I poured the mixture in the mould it only seemed to fill it half way, so I thought I'd make a second batch to fill it up. It wasn't until I'd put it in the oven that I realised the mixture contained self-raising flour, and yes it has now gone out of control. The only reason it has stopped is because it reached the top of the oven. And now I can't go to bed until the stupid thing has finished cooking, which may be some time given the amount of mixture there is. Eight eggs I tell you!

In other news, I sent off my DNA in the post today. I find it quite cool that bits of me are travelling across the country :o)

Quote of the day -

Roseanna (looking at some old photographs): "Where were the trains? I don't remember those."

Tim: "Oh, that was at the railway."

He's so helpful...

ew ew ew ew ew!

2011-08-23T19:11:00.004+01:00

If the text is a bit small you should be able to click on the image to enlarge it. Although you may not actually want to read it at all!!

Anyway, onto something more pleasant...

I had to get my poorly car fixed today, but fortunately it only needed a glow plug replacing. I have discovered that I cannot say the phrase "glow plug" without speaking slowly and thinking very carefully, as "glow-bug" wants to come out instead. I do love the idea of lifting your car bonnet to find:

Wow

2011-08-19T18:32:00.001+01:00

Look at this amazing cruise:

http://travel.saga.co.uk/holidays/ocean-cruises/search/destinations/~/link.aspx?_id=9D2D078B593B473B9A24D10786289FA0&_z=z

I didn't know you could get cruises that long! I suggested to Tim that we should go when we retire, but he didn't seem to think we'd have a spare £40k. Shame...

educational reading material

2011-08-18T19:10:00.002+01:00

I have acquired an old book called The Encyclopaedia of Sexual Practice (don't ask!). Although there's no publishing year inside, from a brief Google search it appears to date from between 1930-1950. I plan to read it, as it's hilarious - not a trace of political correctness anywhere, it seems. I think I will post about things as I get to them, but just as a taster here are just some of the chapter headings which particularly stand out:

The Yellow Races (presumably the Asians??)
The Consequences of Masturbation
Facts About Women of which Men are Ignorant

Looking at some of the illustrations I think this book is going to be a beauty. Can't wait to share it with you!

toilets and food

2011-08-16T20:48:00.004+01:00

I saw a lady at work go into the toilet today with a newspaper...nothing like making it obvious :o|

Although I am very impressed by our toilets at work. On the wall, before you come out, is a hand sanitiser dispenser. It means that you can take a squirt, open the door and then clean your hands of any toilet door germs. This pleases my OCDs.

Ok, Droop has moved down in my list of places to live. It has been replaced by this location: http://history.cultural-china.com/en/169History8245.html

Some unusual food I encountered at the weekend:

This, believe it or not, is a courgette!!

And this is just a popcorn person (of course)

Quote of the day -

Morrisons tannoy: "Why not buy an extra large joint for a special occasion?"

Good to see they tailor their adverts for the people of Dover...

How romantic.

2011-08-14T17:31:00.002+01:00

Apparently this is a popular wedding reading:

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner

Breathing in your dust,

I wanna be your Ford Cortina

I will never rust,

If you like your coffee hot

Let me be your coffee pot,

You call the shots,

I wanna be yours.

I wanna be your raincoat

For those frequent rainy days,

I wanna be your dreamboat

When you want to sail away,

Let me be your teddy bear

Take me with you anywhere,

I don’t care,

I wanna be yours.

I wanna be your electric meter

I will not run out,

I wanna be the electric heater

You’ll get cold without,

I wanna be your setting lotion

Hold your hair in deep devotion,

Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean

That’s how deep is my devotion.

It took me two attempts to read past the first verse, as it makes me cringe somewhat :o/

Excellent place to live

2011-08-09T20:17:00.002+01:00

I've just sent a book swap to someone living in a place called Droop. Brilliant!

Search for item number 140470805907 in ebay...I'm not sure their description would help sell it to me!

Quote of the day -

Me: "Matt has the same surname as you"

Tim: "What, Bates?"

Me: "That is your surname...??"

Gobble gobble

2011-08-04T21:57:00.003+01:00

We have baby turkeys!

Such a shame they grow up to be so ugly :(

The Colonel

2011-07-25T18:56:00.002+01:00

Well it was worth attending my appointment this afternoon just to hear my doctor describe someone as "Captain Bell-end". He is such a legend :)

My website is back! Thanks to the sister. I will be (slowly) updating it as well as cracking on with more exploits from the book. (The new version is listed under my links).

We were driving past KFC the other day and I began wondering whether anyone actually looks like Colonel Sanders. I Googled it when I got home and was very pleased to discover this website!

http://menwholooklikecolonelsanders.com/

violence in the workplace

2011-07-22T20:11:00.003+01:00

I like the computer software we use at work:

Option 3 is awesome!

Quote of the day -

Eoin: "Are you coming to the beer festival?"

Me: "No thanks, I don't like beer"

Eoin: "They do cider too"

Me: "Oh I don't like cider either"

Christophe: "Never mind, you could just come for the barbecue"

Me: "I'm vegetarian..."

Christophe: "We don't want you to come now."

labels, labels everywhere...

2011-07-14T17:53:00.003+01:00

I'VE GOT A DYMO LABEL MAKER!!!! Actually SO excited. I have wanted one since forever and decided to treat myself as a little exam results reward. If you stand still long enough you WILL be labelled: don't say I didn't warn you.

I got sent this card yesterday.

I couldn't work out for the life of me what it was supposed to be, but it said on the back "Made by Saltersgate School Enterprise Company", so I figured it could well be anything. My best guess was some kind of rat in a nest, i.e.

So when Timmy got home I asked him, and he straight away said "it's a sheep". It has all become clear now. What is wrong with me?

I discovered this shocklingly-titled page on the website at work today: http://www.saga.co.uk/insurance/home-insurance/household-dump/

Haha!

I am living with savages

2011-07-12T19:46:00.002+01:00

The Bates's have recently purchased a piglet which they're going to feed and then murder and eat :( There are also 6 turkey eggs in the incubator which are going to hatch all cute and fluffy and be fed up for Christmas dinner...the turkeys I could almost forgive but pet piggy is making me feel sad already. I'll just have to protest and tie myself to it or something. Suggestions welcome.

I have a total of 28 lucky dips for tonight's Euromillions...(some of them are part of a syndicate, I'm not insane). I cannot tell you how badly I need to win!

educational day

2011-07-07T19:47:00.002+01:00

Things I learnt today:

If you're getting a circumcision, it's ok - you can still buy Saga travel insurance
I got a first!!!
Thursday is transvestite night at Tesco

That is all.

I can't imagine why I find Timmy's tow bar amusing.

Best passengers EVER!

Today's lesson

2011-07-01T14:21:00.006+01:00

What compensation did I receive after finding a stray splinter in my Magnum? £10 in Walls vouchers.

How did I spend the vouchers? On 12 more Magnums.

Have I learnt anything? Apparently not.

I get a lot of random emails and have started getting them from Knorr. They sent me one today with this intriguing invitation:

Sounds like something illegal to me. However the people at Knorr have clearly catered for the uneducated - hover your mouse over the link and voila!

They could have just put that in the first place.

These have to be the worst Royal Wedding souvenirs ever.

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/two-blue-William-Kate-royal-wedding-bingo-dabbers-/220806480234?pt=UK_Toys_Games_Games&hash=item336917816a#ht_500wt_1156

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Prince-WILLIAM-KATE-Middleton-Hapy-Wedding-Nail-Sticker-/260806382143?pt=UK_Health_Beauty_Nails_Manicure_Pedicure_CA&hash=item3cb945923f#ht_849wt_905

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Royal-Wedding-William-and-Kate-hand-Knitted-Collectable-/150624115757?pt=UK_Royalty&hash=item2311e59c2d#ht_701wt_1139

how unfortunate

2011-07-01T09:44:00.003+01:00

I quote from a (biographical) book I am currently reading:

"River Jude Phoenix was one of five children born to Christian fundamentalists John and Arlyn Bottom (he changed his surname to Phoenix when he took up acting; his brother Leaf also changed his first name to Joaquin). Much of his childhood was spent in abject poverty, and when the family moved to South America at the behest of the Church of God, River was reduced to singing for his supper with his sister, Rain, on the streets of Caracas, Venezuela."

So prior to any name changes, the three poor children were called

- River Bottom

- Rain Bottom

- Leaf Bottom

I think Leaf Bottom actually beats Blue-Ray.

Google fail.

2011-06-30T17:38:00.004+01:00

I have an application form here for participation in Derren Brown's new series...contemplating whether or not to fill it out. Eek!

Ha! http://www.lamebook.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/few12-1.png

bleurgh

2011-06-30T09:48:00.004+01:00

I made the mistake of trying vegetarian fish...something I've always avoided. But then I saw these on the reduced shelf in Tesco:

And, well, Quorn is always so nice. But do not be fooled people! Quorn fish is VILE! Let my experience be a warning to all.

Finally worked out who ebay's virtual assistant 'Louise' reminds me of:

It's Bones! From, er, Bones. Glad that one's out of my system now.

funny!

2011-06-23T12:20:00.003+01:00

This is my favourite new joke:

How do you tell if a Yorkshireman is dyslexic?

He wears a cat flap on his head.

I had to check Tim's stance on dyslexic jokes before I told it to him, but he didn't appear to find it too offensive!

Just phoned the council to pay the booking fee for my wedding ceremony. I was told that the team I needed to speak to were all currently busy, and that she would get one of them to call me back - "But it may take up to 5 working days for them to return your call". How efficient.

irritations

2011-06-19T12:42:00.005+01:00

I am usually a very calm driver, but lately certain things have really started to irritate me. Namely:

1. Those flashy signs that go off when you're over the speed limit? They start flashing at you before you even get to the change of speed limit sign. OF COURSE I'M NOT DOING 30 YET, IT'S STILL A 40 ZONE!

2. People driving on the motorway with their main beams on.

3. People sitting in the middle lane when they're not actually overtaking anyone.

4. People who speed up when you go to overtake them. This one really winds me up.

Most of these are M25-related though, so on the whole I'm not too cranky, but I did a lot of driving yesterday and it was rather stressful! Just needed to get that out of my system :)

This is not a normal father's day card:

I don't understand. Unless you're from Sheppey and your boyfriend is your father??

Got a fab charity shop bargain the other day. (Incidentally I have totally gotten over my charity shop/boot fair snobbery. I just wash my hands a lot.)

I do slightly feel they peaked a bit soon though as they put the best one on the cover.

In the paper the other day they made reference to a local kid called Curtis Hunt. Who would do that to a poor child?? It doesn't beat "Blue-Ray" though - a teacher I know is having one in her class next year. There so needs to be a parenting exam before people are allowed to breed.

Upon visiting the island the other day I popped into Tescos to use the toilet. I had just started drying my hands with the hand drier when a lady burst out of one of the cubicles yelling, "What is it? What is it?!" She then saw what I was doing, looked extremely relieved then said: "Oh, I thought it was a jet plane" before retreating to her cubicle. Good old Sheppey!

books

2011-06-11T22:16:00.002+01:00

I'm listing a few old books for Tim on ebay (I think they came from his mum's attic). There is a particularly riveting one about organ stops and I was just flicking through it. Whoever owned it at some point was clearly very knowledgeable on the subject and made a few handwritten notes in the book, correcting the author. In the very back of the book they have written "This poor man is off his chump". Hahaha I absolutely love it!! That's going to be my new phrase :o)

Think it's time to go to bed...I've just been looking in the back of a dictionary and wondering why I couldn't find the index :o|

similarity

2011-06-11T20:43:00.005+01:00

Exams are finished :oD After having revised since the end of March my freedom feels amazing. I can't get over the fact that I can read books again and play on my Wii. I have a book to finish that I started last November!

I caught a bit of the Grand Prix earlier while Tim had it on. This man was being interviewed:

Apparently he is Eddie Jordan. Am I the only one who thinks:

When I see him??

Blocked passage?

2011-06-02T21:16:00.002+01:00

Tim's snoring seems to have reached epic proportions lately so yesterday I resorted to ordering him some more "breathe right" strips from ebay, as it's the cheapest place to find them.

This product also came up in the search listings.

I say no more...

Productive

2011-05-28T07:23:00.002+01:00

I made wise use of my revision time yesterday...

I thought I'd make a rainbow using the contents of my pencil case :o|

wastage

2011-05-27T09:10:00.002+01:00

I brought a mere 5 things from Pets at Home recently which resulted in the most ridiculously long receipt...I was trying to think of something topical that I could use as a scale and think I managed it :) ...

surreal

2011-05-17T08:49:00.003+01:00

Not many people come home to find members of the CIRCUS at their house!! The circus used my toilet :oO

Tim banned me from speaking to them as I was going to ask if they could show me some tricks in return for some aikido. That and I was going to ask if they'd brought a midget with them and whether they did weddings. Oh well...

Food face

2011-05-15T20:52:00.002+01:00

I got the most awesome birthday present from my sister. It doesn't really need an explanation, so here is my first creation:

It's more difficult than it looks!

stress!

2011-05-13T17:34:00.000+01:00

Sorry for the poor blogging lately but I'm currently in the middle of revision hell. I would expect normal service to resume at the beginning of June :o)

Reading this has just cheered me up: "Domestic pig (Sus scrofa) carcasses were clothed in 100% cotton t‐shirts and 50% cotton/50% polyester briefs"

Now when I'm stressed all I have to do is think about dead piggy in pants and everything is ok again.

napkin rings

2011-05-06T20:51:00.005+01:00

Don't ask, but I have found these on ebay:

Napkin Ring, Wooden 'Fanny'

Does that mean it's not really for napkins??

UNUSUAL CHINA SNAILS NAPKIN RING SET

In the description she states: "REALLY REALISTIC LOOKING SNAILS" shortly before writing "BLUE & WHITE". Not quite sure what creatures she gets in her garden but I'm certain I've never seen a snail look like that before.

speaking from experience?

2011-05-05T11:35:00.002+01:00

Quote of the day -

Lecturer (during revision session): "And don't drink Red Bull before an exam...you'll be flying for the first half hour but will be asleep for the rest."

Student: "...or you'll poo yourself."

*stunned silence*

messy morning

2011-04-28T18:28:00.004+01:00

While having a blood test today I had plenty of time for reflection as the lady was a trainee and got things quite spectacularly wrong (it involved them having to mop the floor!). I got thinking back to when I was a kid and mum had blood tests, and she always let my sister & I take her plaster off - something along the lines of "If you're good you can take off my plaster". It only struck me today what a messed up disturbing treat that was; no wonder I have so many issues!

Timmy took me to a very curious shop yesterday:

Quote of the day -

Me: "Well I eat plenty of bread, pasta and rice"

Dr: "Well rice is slightly different as it's not made of wheat"

Me: "Oh. What's it made of then?"

Dr: "Er, rice is made from rice"

every town should have one

2011-04-26T18:53:00.001+01:00

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-kent-13198766

- although possibly Dover would require more than one.

Not sure how he has remained anonymous either - surely someone must recognise those eyes? If Tim was a ninja I'd be on to him right away.

feeling brave?

2011-04-24T19:55:00.001+01:00

If you haven't just eaten, check out the items for sale by ebay user jasper199. Dare you!

double take

2011-04-21T18:33:00.004+01:00

This turned out to be much more innocent than I first thought - upon closer inspection it appears to be a lobster!!

Just having a look at my blog visitors...some poor soul arrived on my blog after Googling "how to rectify creaky knees". Haha, I bet they were in for a shock.

top doc

2011-04-21T09:39:00.004+01:00

My doctor is actually the best doctor in the world. FACT. No other doctor would spend 20 minutes talking to you about Lego before saying "Oh well, I suppose I'd better do some work. Why are you here?". He is brilliant!

Is this how chavs dress when they get old??

Quote of the day -

Siân Lloyd: "...and the shoes are made of paper-mâché"

Dumb woman: "Oh wow, so they're edible!"

Siân Lloyd: "Erm no, I really don't think you'd want to eat them"

Courtesy of my sister

2011-04-16T22:25:00.003+01:00

Oh, Sheppey how I miss you...

This is actually going to give me nightmares:

geography

2011-04-12T09:59:00.003+01:00

Methinks some extreme plate tectonics have occurred overnight...Iceland now appears to be part of Folkestone.

Quote of the day -

I'd forgotten all about this. Mum was telling us about my great uncle, who hasn't been doing that well lately, and she said that he was waiting for the results of some tests.

Fiona: "What has he been tested for?"

Mum: "Aids..."

*badly timed pause*

Mum: "...at home, like a stairlift" (phew!)

fix

2011-04-07T19:49:00.002+01:00

Do you think it's mere coincidence that the acronym for the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons is BAAPS (BAPS!) ? Haha!

Poor girl

2011-04-07T12:10:00.002+01:00

Hahaha!

http://www.asylum.co.uk/2011/04/06/bored-student-yawns-so-hard-she-cant-physically-close-her-mouth/

And you may have spotted in the text the link for this: http://www.asylum.co.uk/2011/03/30/video-man-superglues-tiny-hat-to-his-big-head/

Seriously going to have to seek out this TV show. Although it will have to go some to beat the episode of Junior doctors where a man got a toilet brush stuck up his bum.

in the post today

2011-04-05T20:21:00.002+01:00

Haha, Timmy got an information pack from Queen Ethelburga's Independent Private School For Boys And Girls encouraging him to send his child there! Naturally I got the blame but it's not really my style.

The best part was that it came with a CD-ROM which Tim had to check in his computer "in case it's porn in disguise" !!!

windows

2011-04-04T07:12:00.005+01:00

Oh my. Look what you could create:

Found some bizarre things in windows yesterday:

And by 'things', I mean shit.

1st April

2011-04-01T10:24:00.005+01:00

I HATE April Fool's Day:

1) Because people say STUPID things expecting us to believe them

2) Because I am gullible enough to believe half of them

3) Because I wish some of the things were true

The following falls into the third category:

Marmite

We’ve teamed up with the lovely people at Vaseline Lip Therapy and are incredibly excited to announce a special limited edition Marmite flavour which comes in a unique collectable tin. Love it or hate it?

The disappointment...

How insulting

2011-03-30T18:54:00.002+01:00

Quote of the day -

Random caller: "Good afternoon, is that Timothy?"

Me: "Er no, this is not Timothy"

Engrish

2011-03-29T21:36:00.003+01:00

Good old Asian translations...

fingers crossed

2011-03-24T22:53:00.002Z

Tim asked me to buy £20 worth of Euromillions tickets today. I got it slightly wrong and ended up buying 20 tickets...costing me £40 :o| Knew there was a 20 in there somewhere. We'd better win now...

might have to try this!

2011-03-23T11:47:00.001Z

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1368736/Facebook-Supermarket-Scrabble-game-peppering-shelves-rude-words.html

decisions...

2011-03-22T20:12:00.003Z

Definitely one to enter!

I was just looking on ebay for some printer ink and found this little gem in one of the descriptions:

At least he's honest.

experiment

2011-03-19T21:00:00.003Z

Yesterday I participated in a psychology experiment where I had electrodes stuck to my head. They told me at the end that they'd never seen results like that before and that I had very unusual brain activity. Who knew!!

Some unfortunate notice board placement:

Scariest cameo brooch ever:

wedding advice

2011-03-17T09:53:00.002Z

I did a book swap this week, for a book about weddings. It does contain some useful advice, but there also appear to be a few peculiarities...

There is a list of people I am not allowed to marry:

Father, adoptive father/former adoptive father
Son, adoptive son/former adoptive son
Father's father
Mother's father
Son's son
Daughter's son
Brother
Father's brother
Mother's brother
Husband's father
Husband's son
Mother's husband
Daughter's husband
Father's mother's husband
Mother's mother's husband
Husband's father's father
Husband's mother's father
Husband's son's son
Husband's daughter's son
Son's daughter's husband
daughter's daughter's husband
Brother's son
Sister's son

How confusing! So it appears you can marry your cousin? (Useful to know for future reference, being from Sheppey...) There are quite a few on the list that I can see no harm in marrying - what's wrong with me marrying Tim's granddad??

At the end of each chapter is a checklist of things to do. There is actually a box to tick to check you're both over 16!

Then, under the section about invites: "When two daughters of the same couple are to be married at the same ceremony, the elder daughter of the two brides is mentioned first". Is it normal to have double weddings with your sister??

"There is no ecclesiastical objection to women marrying in trousers but most ministers probably prefer to see a dress". Yeah, I bet they do.

Under the Wedding Presents section: "There is, however, no reason why you should think only in terms of fitting out the home. Books, pocket calculators, compact discs or sports equipment may be more useful to you and more urgently required." A calculator? Really?

There is a particularly good superstition: "It is reckoned a very bad sign if a pig crosses the road in front of the wedding car". Brilliant!

You would think the book is pretty ancient, but it was published in 1998 - when I'm sure pocket calculators were freely available and quite affordable?

very penisknee-esque

2011-03-10T21:00:00.001Z

Irony

2011-03-04T19:37:00.003Z

I find it quite ironic that fat people wear tracksuits and trainers, like they're going to actually do exercise!

And why do all cleaners have a limp??

Timmy has suggested that as he's brought my ring I should pay for the submarine he's just purchased, under the guise of it being an 'engagement boat'. Top marks for creativity, but I'm not convinced! We have to take a trip to Peterborough to collect it :o| Hope this seller is more normal than the last one...the guy he brought one of his boats from drove around with cardboard cutouts of children in is car.

(I know it should be 'bought' but I don't like that word).

THIS is cool. And he's cute ;o)

http://www.c71123.com/daily_photo/

Although the moustache from around 1:20 onwards freaks me out a bit.

Oh, and my sister found this bit of awesomeness:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-dorset-12526271

You know...when...

2011-03-02T17:09:00.003Z

You know you're in an expensive jewellers when they let you in the door and then lock you inside :o| And then you have to pretend you're rich and have an unlimited budget because nothing in the shop even starts at your budget price. I dug myself a big hole and in an effort to get out of the shop agreed to let them take my details as they are going to do some 'research' for me...should have just gone to H. Samuel!

Things aren't always what they seem

2011-02-26T21:20:00.002Z

You know you were particularly unsuccessful with a job application when you receive not one but three emails telling you that you haven't been selected for an interview :o|

I spied Timmy's bank statement on the side yesterday, and happened to see www.elitemodelsonline.co.uk listed as one of the transactions. I did have a look at the website, expecting something porn-related, but...well, have a look for yourself. Bless him.

they tried.

2011-02-19T21:36:00.003Z

Ok. This clearly says "STAFF PAPER", right? Guess what it is supposed to say?

Clue...we ordered it with our Indian takeaway.

It was stuffed peppers! Bless them.

To cheer you

2011-02-17T20:00:00.002Z

I begin with this:

http://twitpic.com/3v4x4i - read the comments.

Now for some quotes:

Quote of the day (1) -

Girl 1: "I think I've broken my knee. Can you do that? Is it possible to break your knee?"

Girl 2: "Erm...not sure...but I know you can fracture it."

Quote of the day (2) -

Lady in canteen: "I didn't know you could get food poisoning from sausages...I thought it came from chicken."

Quote of the day (3) -

Me: "I haven't got much battery so my phone might go dead"

Mum: "Do you want me to phone you back then?"

*facepalm*

Today has made me feel intelligent.

This confuses me.

2011-02-16T22:02:00.003Z

I have just seen a job advertised, as "Part time, 2 days a week including weekends". Huh??

Microsoft clip art is so bizarre. For future reference, if you're ever searching for a picture of someone putting a contact lens in - there is one. Well, in fact there's more than one...

Close one

2011-02-14T10:59:00.001Z

I have just nearly spent £500 on printer credits at uni! I thought the box was asking me how many credits I wanted, not how much I wanted to spend :o OMG!

Winnings

2011-02-05T20:45:00.003Z

Today's random competition prize: £40 of Giraffe vouchers :o)

I think it was a slow news day...

I particularly like the fact that they have to clarify in the caption what an unused bus stop is.

Check out the perks of this job:

They even provide you with stationery!!

athletic fruit

2011-02-01T19:30:00.004Z

A bit of my orange pith today looked like a stick man running!

I do think that whoever is in charge of the periodic table got a bit bored at the end. Complete lack of imagination!

Rock and roll

2011-01-28T18:59:00.003Z

Just got home to find Timmy watching videos on YouTube of different diggers and tractors cutting hedges with various attachments. I think I'd rather have caught him watching porn to be honest :o|

As you can see, our house on a Friday night is the place to be.

big cheese

2011-01-23T21:46:00.002Z

I really need to get my head around 'common law partner' and 'civil partner' as I get them totally confused and always forget which one we are. They are quite different!

Tim brought a piece of cheese yesterday that weighs the same as Wee Puss!

six

2011-01-21T20:17:00.003Z

I love it when Scottish people say the word "six". Today on the way home the train conductor was announcing that the train would split, and mentioned "front sex" and "back sex" when referring to the carriages. Haha :o)

Quote of the day -

Homeless man in London: "Anyone have any spare £50 notes?"

Have you seen this man?

2011-01-15T14:10:00.004Z

So, I discovered that it's extremely hard to get an exact likeness with an E-Fit...particularly when you're trying to do it from memory.

I also discovered that Saddam Hussein -

- is not Robert Winston :o|

But it's fun trying to create someone with facial hair as the beards and goatees that you scroll through to select look like pubic hair when presented on their own.

Oh and randomly I won a prize for my E-Fit of the Pope!

And the award for the most surprisingly funny TV show goes to the space programme we watched last night. Top tip: anything about Uranus is highly amusing. My favourite line was "there is nothing quite so spectacular as Uranus". Tee hee!

Has anyone given blood lately? They seem to now strap half a cigarette to your arm once you have finished donating...

Quote of the day (1) -

Tom: "I was in my living room, polishing my sword"

Quote of the day (2) -

Tim: "How old am I?"

Me: "35"

Tim: "No I'm not"

Me: "Er, yes you are. You're 36 this year."

Tim: "Oh ok"

awkward and incredible

2011-01-11T17:59:00.002Z

I had a conversation today with a man with a bad foot and a walking stick, about some software called "Gimp". Awkward.

I also did my good deed of the day and showed a 49 year old policeman how to use a cash machine, as he had never used one before in his life! Incredible.

Just right

2011-01-07T21:06:00.003Z

I never fail to be impressed that my hand is the right size to fit in a tube of Pringles :o) Thank you genes. Maybe the human race will evolve one day so that everyone can do it.

Job hunting is more interesting when you find vacancies like these:

Quote of the day -

Me: "Are they bats?"

Tim: "No, it's ash from the chimney"

Memory technique

2011-01-06T17:57:00.006Z

We had a very interesting psychology lecture this afternoon about memory, and as an example the lecturer asked if we could remember what is on the back of each denomination of coin and bank note. Predictably I mostly failed, but when they showed us the coins:

someone said "I always remember that one because it looks like R2-D2"!! Amazing!!

My sister found this on Amazon:

A flat-packed fire engine playhouse for your cat :o) I think Simba would like it but there are no guarantees he'd be able to get in it. What's even more amusing is:

Must be a popular combination...

Also - what the hell is a faggotting top?? Do I want to know?

I love it when children call their parents by their Christian names instead of 'mum' or 'dad'. Tim's nephew calls his dad Steven which cracks me up, and no one even calls him that anyway - everyone says Steve. It sounds so weird.

I'm just completing the hazard assessment of the chemicals we'll be using in this term's labs. The list reads as follows: highly toxic, extremely corrosive, possible carcinogen, fatal if inhaled...etc. All of them are scary. Normally when I'm faced with sharp or dangerous things I seek adult supervision but Timmy won't be there to look after me :o(

I completed a questionnaire recently and one of the questions was "What is your main consideration when buying a bottle of wine for drinking at home?" The options were

Brand
Wine colour
Price
Country of Origin
Recommendation
Varietal/Region
Occasion
On Offer
Other

- so 'how pretty the label is' would be classed as Other, then. I did think I should start a new vegetable-buying strategy determined by how phallic they are, so might analyse the veggies more carefully at the supermarket next time. Expect photos if I find some good ones.

Oh, just remembered something I found in Sainsburys today:

Haha!

Torture

2011-01-04T19:01:00.002Z

Started a course today. At lunchtime, the paying members of the group were entitled to free dinners. The students among us had to sit and watch them eating yummies and there was me with my plain buttered rolls. You have no idea how much I wanted to eat their leftovers :o(

I am sitting next to someone from Africa who has a cold. What's the betting that I am not immune to germs from Botswana?

Ewell Vegas

2010-12-31T15:53:00.005Z

Our neighbours actually seem to believe they are Kent's equivalent of Las Vegas. I do need to get a better photo, as this was only taken from the car, but imagine this extended to the front and either side...hideous, absolutely hideous. Now as we're pretty much the only people who drive past, I'm not entirely sure what the purpose is.

My favourite is what appears to be the Santa equivalent of Vishnu:

My sister and I watched a lot of crappy daytime TV adverts yesterday, which mostly consisted of charities begging for money (at Christmas, when everyone has no money - fab marketing tactic). 2 observations:

1). Abandoned animals seemed to get much more of my sympathy than sick children. I am clearly a rather callous :o/

2). Those people who have to walk miles each day to get water for their family? MOVE CLOSER TO THE FLIPPING WELL!

Anyway, happy new year everyone. I'm quite excited about it being 1/1/11 tomorrow...x

#2 & 3

2010-12-29T10:38:00.006Z

Ok, two more highlights I've just remembered:

Timmy asking me at dinner time (in front of his entire family), in a very smutty voice: "Do you want stuffing?"

Watching my godmother being totally humiliated in church when she had to wear a pair of ears and lollop down the aisle in front of Mary & Joseph, pretending to be a donkey.

Just seen an advert on TV for QuickQuid loans. At the bottom of the screen, in the small print, was the APR - and I was squinting to see where the decimal point was. I figured it must be 22.78%, but as I moved closer I realised that there actually was NO decimal point - it was 2278% APR! Shocking!!

I love how informative my new calendar is:

Haha, I've just read this somewhere: if you pronounce Jesus backwards, it's sausage!!! Speaking of Jesus and sausages, that links me nicely to something else I've just found:

Awesome!

I got some fingerless gloves for Christmas, to help with my dodgy circulation. I've never worn fingerless gloves before, and they're seriously messing with my head. It feels like I'm wearing gloves, until I go to touch something, when I can feel it normally with my fingers. My brain cannot compute that it's possible to do both at the same time...in fact I feel a little bit sick :o/

xmas

2010-12-28T18:04:00.002Z

Woo, Christmas is over :o) You can tell I'm not a fan of Christmas as the highlight of my festivities was hearing my sister say her postcode in her sleep on Christmas Eve. But I got some nice presents of course; they were a highlight too!

I WISH Quality Street would sort their selection of chocolates out. Everyone leaves the blue coconut ones, just stop making them! I even like coconut but can't stand 'coconut eclairs' or whatever they're called. They are so bad that I can't even force myself to eat them for the sake of it when they're the only ones left. That's why Celebrations are the way forward...

Spot the difference

2010-12-22T11:40:00.003Z

Harrods have a Pet Spa, and I've just been looking at their treatments. Now grooming, massages and pedicures I expected, but "blueberry & vanilla facial"?? What animal is going to sit still while you apply food to their face? It'll be pet colonics next...

I wish I could tell people apart. Apparently Ian McShane is not Robert Downey Jr.

I wish I was a man...

2010-12-20T09:30:00.002Z

...then I could buy this t shirt: